i'll eat my candy with the pork and beans.

[Thomas Middleton]

Hogwarts was extremely lonely over the summer. Thomas realized this his first year teaching here, and at first, the thought that he would be almost alone at the school thrilled him. No bed time, he could eat whatever he liked, go wherever he wanted to! It was almost like being a student again, and to be honest, he had never fully grown up. And he was pretty sure he never would. The twenty-three-year-old had played dress-up, slid down banisters, eaten candy until he puked, and absolutely everything else an immature toddler might do. It was rather fun.

But now, it was his third or fourth year teaching, and it had gotten consistently less entertaining. He now realized that he did basically everything he did over the summer during the school year, anyway, so it was nothing new. Tom was stuck with absolutely nothing to do. There was no way in hell that he was gonna go home, you gotta be kidding me. His family would be even worse. Shoving random bits of surely toxic food down his throat and basically murdering him with stories of "OH WHEN I WAS YOUNG ..." Enough to make anyone go beserk.

So here he was. The Ravenclaw Head of House sat lazily in one of the tiny elf chairs in the middle of the kitchen, his pants unbuttoned, shoving whatever the house-elves brought to him on the tiny platters. It was mighty nifty food. Especially those cupcakes, they were his favorite. Only the icing sorta stained his face and hands and stuff so normally, he would walk around tinted whatever color icing the cupcake had. "You're a tasty little thing, aren't you?" he said thickly, talking to a blue-icing cupcake through a mouthful of a purple-icing cupcake.

... Boredom had a way of making you go insane.

[[CHRISTOPHERRR. And open.]]

[Christopher Rivers]

Chris was in the hospital wing, HIS hospital wing, and he was with a student. He bent forward and looked past all the junk food and candy in the kid’s teeth to his tonsils. Then he stood up chucked the tongue depressor into the garbage. “Yup, kid… you have cancer...” he said and then walked out of the hospital wing. He made a mental note to tell the kid later that he really just had the common cold. But he didn’t have time for that now, he had things to do. Very important things, it was time for food.

Chris walked down the corridors, telling random students that had locked lips, that they had a serious chance of losing there private parts. He called it “PDA”, privates disappearing act… oddly enough it went with public display of affection. Intentional? I think so. But hey, don’t get him wrong; Chris loved suckin face just as much as the next guy. But he had the common decency to do it in the private luxury of his own home… or office. He was lucky enough to work in a place, with LOADS of beds… the terminally ill kids can sleep on the floor while he gets some action. Surpisingly, some kids believed him and he'd never see them kissing in the halls again. Man you could say anything with that white coat on and a stethoscope, everyone believes it...it's like magic. ;D

Finally Chris made it too the kitchens and walked right in. He noticed Tom was sitting by himself stuffing his face. And oddly enough his pants were unbuttoned… why was Chris looking down there… he had no idea… but it was surprisingly noticeable when someone was sitting with there pants all undone. “TOM I told you to stop doing it with baked goods… one day you really will get a rash down there… and don’t come crying to me for ointment alright…Because you wont get any. ” He said and laughed. “Plus you shouldn’t be eating these anyway, there not good for you.” He said snatching a cupcake out of his hand and shoving it in his mouth.

[Thomas Middleton]

Tom went to shove the purple-icing cupcake into his mouth, but daaaamn, missed it by an inch! A mistake anyone could have made, he was sure. The professor quickly wiped away the icing with his finger then licked it off. Ugh. The icing was never his favorite part. But he was sucking it up and dealing with it because he was so damn bored. Also, he was too lazy to get all of the icing off to just eat the cake off. So he was left with simply shoving the entire thing into his mouth. Swallowing the purple icing, he delicately placed the cake part into his mouth and chewed slowly. These cupcakes were really starting to mess with his stomach.

Suddenly, the sound of the portrait door opening and closing met his eyes. With a tiny yelp, he dropped the brand new cupcake in his hands splat on the floor. He swiftly picked it up mainly because he didn't want to waste it. Five second rule, right? Right! Anyway, his eyes immediately looked for the intruder, and sighed in relief. Oh. It was only Chris. Not anyone important. Especially some hot chick. No way he would want some fancy lady walking in on him with his trousers undone and his face covered in icing ... then she might very well think he was doing something else in the kitchens, which would not be good for his street cred, yo.

"Oh, right, sorry, Chris. Just couldn't resist the sexual attraction of flour and eggs and butter and sugar ... Mmmm, sexy." Instead of winking at Chris, he winked at the dirty cupcake. Oh, shit. There was a little dustball right on top of that yellow icing. Almost like those prizes you see on those kiddie cupcakes, ya know? The rings and whatnot. Thomas was about to flick the dust off when Chris took the cupcake and shoved it in his mouth. Oh well, less work for him. "Hmmm ... maybe I'll settle for a couple of brownies." With a snap of his fingers, three house-elves bustled up with trays of brownies. Ooooh, man. He took one from the platter and took a bite, smiling at Chris through the chocolate in his teeth. WOMANIZER FO SHOOOO.

[Christopher Rivers]

Tom looked up at him and immediately Chris knew that look. the, thank god that was not some hot chick, look. "Woulda sucked if i was some hot chick, right?... I bet you would have gotten in like three words to try and explain before she just walked right out of here." And then he proceeded to try and mock Tom's voice. "..uhh.. I.. was... just.." back to his regular voice. "AND WOOSH, she'd be outta there man... like a bat outta hell." He said and laughed. Yeah, they liked to joke around... got a problem... Ohh you don't wanna mess with someone who has anestecia...and well Tom.. and his...baked goods... he'll give you type 2 diabetes...faster then you can say 'me can't eat sugar'.

Chris stuffed the cupcake in his mouth. "...damn... dude... did you make these... these suck..." he said between chewing. He held his hand out and spit the whole thing out on his hand. "Here!" he said shoving it in the hand of an elf. He felt a bit bad the elf had to carry that around... but hey... i mean... thats what they're getting paid for right?... they get paid don't they?...oh who cares. "that was disgusting..." He said shaking his head. "Yehhh I'm sure you'd just love to beat all that stuff together. " he said and laughed. Man they were so perverted, oh well, it was fun. It's not like there were students around anyway.

"Toss me one of them brownies... gotta get that gross cupcake taste out of my mouth..." he said as he took a seat up on the counter. Chris was referring to Tom but the elf that just had to take his half eaten cupcake, beat him to the punch. The elf tossed him the brownie hitting him square in the face, and then fell into his lap. "...GEEZ IT WAS A CUPCAKE MAN GET OVER IT..." he said shaking his head. The elf finally left the room. "...so hard to find good workers these days... put one half eaten cupcake in there hand and they go all CRAZYYYYY." he said rolling his eyes. "So what have you been up too tommy boy?" He asked and laughed. Tom hated it when Chris called him that... Chris always called him that back in there days as students. Cuz that's what all Tom's little fan girls screamed at him... so of course Chris had to taunt him with it.

[Thomas Middleton]

Tom gave Chris the dirtiest look he had ever given someone before. Well, dirty in the bad way, not in the good way. Because he had certainly given ladies good, much dirtier looks. "Unless she liked cupcakes, maybe she would've thought it was sexy," defended Tom stubbornly, looking at the brownie in front of his face morosely. "Plus, my pants are already undone, so I'm already locked and loaded, aren't I? Besides, at least it'd take a sight like this" -- he gestured at the mess surrounding him -- "to repel the girls. All it takes is one look at your face, and bam, they'd be out of here quicker than ... well, something quick, for sure." He was rather bad at metaphors ... or whatever they were called.

Snickering, the professor said, "Sorry, my bad. Not the best cook in the world, obviously." His face screwed up in disgust as he saw the half-chewed up food in the house-elf's hand. Chris was soo unsanitary for a doctor. The most unhygienic one he had ever met in his life. Which, he supposed, which was why they were basically best friends: they were both insanely disgusting in their own charming way. Well, Tom was charming. Chris, not so much. "Beating stuff is a hobby of mine," said Tom absentmindedly, pushing at food stuck in his teeth with his tongue. It was a really perverted thing, but he was so used to be perverted, he barely noticed what he was saying.

"What? No, get your own, dude -- " Tom was cut off when one of the house-elves grabbed one of the brownies from his platter. What?! Those little douches! He was about to give them a piece of his mind, but then the brownie hit Chris in the face and basically it was all worth it. He laughed obnoxiously, unable to hold it in. If he was a polite person, he would kindly offer Chris a napkin to wipe up his dirty face. Fortunately, he wasn't that polite, so he sat there and laughed at his friend. Because it was freakin' hilarious.

"Your mom goes crazy, but it's when I put something else in her hand instead ..." said Tom. He gave his eyebrows a perverted wiggle. To be honest, Chris' mom was rather hot. Unfortunately, she was also married, and every advance Tom made towards her was refused. Tom hadn't seen her lately, only when they were younger, but if she was still the same as before ... hoooooot daaaaaaamn. He snapped out of his reverie at the mention of "Tommyboy". Chris knew how he hated that name, and only used it to torment him. It was only good when it was coming out of a blonde bimbo's mouth. "I've been fine, Chrissywissykins," he retorted, breaking out the name that his mom used on him often. "How about youuu, eh?"

[Christopher Rivers]

"...yeh... I guess there are cupcake fetishes out there somewhere..." He trailed off. There were some freaky fetishes out there... so that really would not be that surprising. Chris smirked at what Tom said next. "Hey... how about we go on a little trip down memory lane eh?.. Do you remember that club we snuck into... 6th year.. i think... " he paused and hopped off the counter and began to circle Tom. "..who had all the girls around him... while the other was at the bar... enjoying a nice.. heaping plate of chicken wings eh?" He said and slapped Tom's stomach. " Might want to back off the food and start hittin' the dance floor a little more." He joked.

"Wow... a mom joke... really Tom? I thought we grew out of that in like third year..." Who was he kidding your mom jokes were the shit... but he couldn't reveal that. "Maybe i am just much more mature then you are..." He said and smirked. "And dude.... your little obsession with my mom... I mean... i dealt with it before... But the woman is like 50... I mean soon she is gonna need some depends.. and I mean if you like her that much... feel free to go for it... But just know you'll be waking up every morning next to a nice pile of crap.... literally and figuratively..." he said shuddering in the thought.

"Well I'm glad you have been fine and i have been alright too tommyboy but that was NOT the question." he said and laughed. God Tom needed to get better at paying attention when people spoke... although... if it isn't some slammin hottie with double d's... he didn't seem to show much interest in what you were saying. "AND HEY... She calls me doctor now ok... lay off." ... her little doctor chrissywissykins.... but that doesn't need to be mentioned... God he was such a momma's boy. But it's ok... Tom had his faults too... He once tried to hit on his own cousin... granted he was unaware it was his cousin at the time but it was still gross.

[Thomas Middleton]

"Yeah, duh, of course there are. Probably some hot Asian chick. You know, the ones that like that, what's it called ... Hello Kitty? Yeah, hot Asian chicks with cupcake fetishes, most definitely." Now, at the mention of Asian girls, Tom wanted nothing more than to grab his cupcakes and run back to his office. He had a slight Asian fetish, to put it lightly. His favorite piece of action was this girl named Keiko he had had the fortune to meet while on vacation with his parents in Japan when he was seventeen. It was quite a pity that she didn't speak a lick of English, otherwise Tom could've gotten her number and they could have steamy phone calls every day. It also would help if someone in her family owned a phone. Or even if she was a witch, because then they'd be able to communicate much more efficiently.

Tom's eyes narrowed in annoyance, and before he could help it, he was defending himself. "Look, man, I was starving. I hadn't eaten in like ... ages. And by ages, I mean hours. Unlike you, I'm still growing. If you catch my drift," he said, suggestively wiggling his eyebrows and giving an unnecessary wink. "Besides, that was like, the only time, ever, when girls didn't approach me like I was the sun and they were rotating planets." SCORE FOR CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE MENTION! Astronomy wasn't his best subject back at school (mostly because he insisted that the sun's name was "Thomas"), but he remembered the fundamentals. The very, very, very basic fundamentals, anyway.

"YES, A YOUR MOM JOKE. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH IT?" ... Aaand, he was shouting for some inane, random, totally innapropriate reason. Mostly because he just liked to yell and pretend he was insulted. "You more mature? Ha! That's like saying, uhhhh ... something untrue. Like, erm, a lie! Yeah, that's right!" For a Ravenclaw, Tom had to admit that he was not the best with his words. This was mainly due to the fact that it wasn't the top on his list of things to do. Those top spots were normally occupied by women. Not sentence construction. "Heyyy, that's not what matters, man. When we get old, we're all gonna crap ourselves. What really matters is the extent of our love ... and how good she is in bed ..."

Wait, was that really not the question? Well, shit. That sucks. Once again, not the most observant. Completely unRavenclawish. "Oh ... what was the question, then? I forgot. And I don't care enough to remember." Ohhhh snaaaaap. There was some shizzle goin' down up in hurr. Only not really, Thomas' muse just liked to randomly break out into gangstah phrases such as that. "Yeah, probably something like 'Doctor Chrissywissykins. Besides, aren't you like, a Nurse? I heard they only gave you the title 'Doctor' to keep you from crying yourself to sleep at night ..." Tom couldn't read minds, but if he could, he would like to remind Chris of the time that he had hit on a dude. Granted, the dude looked like a girl from behind, but it was embarrassing and questionable to his sexuality nonetheless.

[Christopher Rivers]

“Those kinky asians…” he said shaking his head. Eh, they weren’t really chris’s cup of tea… or plate of sushi for that matter. Jeez that thought was really stereotypical… linking all Asians with sushi… it’s like linking all African American people with fried chicken, its not right. Surely some bad karma would be coming Chris’s way for that inner thought… oh well… it happens to the best of them. “And by hours you mean minutes.” Chris added and grinned. And then jumped a little at Tom’s random outburst.

Regaining control, Chris stood up straight. “Yeh… maybe I do have a problem with it… what are you gonna do about it huh…huh… you wanna take this outside buddyboy… if so be prepared for a large can of WHOOP ASS…” he said getting in some sort of karate stance. Man, Chris’s attempts at being intimidating were usually unsuccessful. He needed to go find Mr. Miyagi and learn how to fight. Then he could like, karate chop someone’s nose off. Yup Chris could see it now. Some big body builder would come in and want to beat Chris up for hitting on his wife. And Chris would be like ‘I hope you enjoyed your marker sniffing past my friend… because those days are looooong gone.’ And then WOOSHA ‘enjoy your life of anosmia.’

“Here, let me help you out… saying I am more mature… is like saying Thomas Middleton has successfully satisfied a woman…” OHH SNIZAP SOMEONE GIZET SOME ICE BECAUSE THIS BIZOY JUST GOT BIZURNED. Too many “iz’s”?... yeh I figured. Chris shrugged off Tom’s comment about his mom… and bed… and erm stuff. Because it brought bad images that he would like to permanently remove from his memory immediately. “ THE QEUSTION WAS…ummm….uhhh..” Wait he knew this. “…ummm…uhh…” He was the one who asked it dammit… he had to know the question. “WELL… UM… THE QUESTION DOESN’T EVEN MATTER ANYMORE…. Because you don’t care…. You never care… I always stay home… looking after the kids… cleaning up the house… cooking dinner… and all I want from you is to sit down and talk about our feelings… and all you want to do is sit on the couch and drink…” He continued with this overdramatic display, hoping that it would effectively divert the fact that he forgot the question.

“I AM NOT A NURSE…. IM A DOCTOR…. A VERY SMART…. SEXY… MANLY… COMPETENT DOCTOR….YOU HEAR ME… A DOCTOR… D-O-C-T- umm….uhh…. DOCTOR…. YEH…” He was very defensive of this fact. “AND I WOULDN’T HAVE CRIED… Because Im so manly… being a nurse… wouldn’t even affect my manliness.” Chris couldn’t read minds either, but if he could… he would ask Tom what kind of guy went to a costume party as cat woman… All he saw was the kitty ears and just assumed.